Wednesday, 20 October 2010

dont let the demons in

as you can probably guess due to my lack of blogging i've been away. well either that or i've had nothing worthwhile or remotely interesting to say. or maybe both!
after 7 wonderful warm days in portugal with karen and the kids - just messing about, doing 'bombs' into the pool, laughing, lazing around, banging down huge water slides at breakneck speeds, just stuff you do as a close-knit family, all without distraction or interuption - i landed back home with a huge unexpected bump

maybe not straight away..there was our annual trip to alton towers' 'scarefest'

then a trip up to see the wonderful amy macdonald (if she's playing your neck of the woods pop along and see her..she's absolutely brilliant live)

and then, BANG, back to work
now normally after a holiday im full of get up and go and general positive vibes
in portugal i ran 5 miles religiously everyday..that's all, but enough to ensure my legs remembered what they were created for. then on the plane home i (finally) finished reading 'feet in the clouds' (i started it three holidays ago).
so why yesterday, my first day back at work, could i not muster up any enthusiasm to run or , in fact, do anything that remotely involved physical exertion? why did i completely avoid updating my running log or reassess my training plan?
deep down i know the answer..i know what was trying to drag me down, trying to sap my positivity. coming back to wet, cold, dark britain doesn't help but its more fundamental than that. but i won't bore you with the details..though i suspect hayfella and part time runner know what im talking about
this morning my alarm went off at 0515. time to run. a moment of truth..can i be arsed? can i be arsed to drag my butt out of my lovely warm bed and into the cold dark morning that lay waiting outside? reluctantly i did
it wasn't until 0600 that i finally made it out into what then seemed a very univiting big outdoors. if anything it felt like a chore to start..give charlie his run out (bless him, without a run for 8 days, he was bouncing around like tigger!) and make sure i keep going as i've the small matter of 100 miles to run in 9+ months. '100 miles!!!' i thought..'no way!..i can't do this every morning in the cold and dark for the next 4 months! and work's utterly pants! what if the axe falls on my head next??'.
as you can see, by 0615 every excuse and every piece of early morning negativity was knocking on my door, and pretty loudly too. demons determined to up-end me, my belief, my joie-de-vie, and my plans.
well, for whatever reason they failed again to get in!
maybe charlie's flightiness and general giddiness, chasing wildlife (i couldn't make out what)from hedge to hedge inspired me. maybe thoughts of karen and hollie and will. maybe it was memories of conquering past ultras. maybe i was inspired by my singing (in my head!)amy macdonalds lyrics 'but i will run until my feet no longer run no more'. or maybe it was the thought of facing you the jury, and others like you, and telling you i'm no longer doing it.
anyway, by 0700 and with my home in sight, i was back on form, brimming with positive vibes, planning my lunchtime run, and eager to re-edit my 'next 9+ months' plan
as my journey continues i simply have to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
so come on people. lets bloody well run. and lets run with a smile on our faces. because we can!